How to feel sexy in your 40s – yes it’s possible!

Are you wondering if is possible to feel sexy in your 40s?

As I journey more into my 40’s and look at was to feel good I have found that no matter what I try the common denominator is ME. It is up to me to feel good in myself, to feel comfortable in my own skin and to start feeling sexy again. No amount of reading self help books or courses are going to change how I feel unless I change the way I think about myself. As Mel Robbins say “No one is coming to save you, no one “so ultimately it is up to us to feel sexy again not any partner, husband, or wife it is up to us and us alone. Feeling sexy is far more than how we feel in the bedroom it’s about confidence in how we look and feel about ourselves. It is about knowing we are attractive, beautiful and capable through our own eyes; it is self-love at its best.

Accept, like, love are the steps I use when helping women to feel good about their body and start to see themselves as sexy. Acceptance can be the biggest barrier to self-love.

Accepting where you are now, longing for the body we had in our 20’s is pointless as it will never be that way again. Looking to the past will never helps us feel good in the present moment so embrace the body you have now. Accepting your body doesn’t mean giving up it is a starting point to where you want to go and how you want to feel.

Sexy is a feeling

The sexy feeling you once had is pivotal to getting your sexy back.

I want you to think back to a time when you felt absolutely super-hot sexy . Close your eyes and let the image come to the front of your mind. Then go through these questions

  • What are you wearing?
  • Where are you?
  • Who are you with?
  • What are the smells?
  • How does it feel in your body?

Now open your eyes and check in with yourself, how do you feel in this present moment, what’s happening in your body ? How do you feel? Has the feeling stayed in with you?

Our mind works in images and the image creates a feeling so when we recall the memory or image of when you felt sexy it is possible to get the  same feeling back. This technique can be used when you want to feel good about yourself or want to get that sexy feeling back.

feel sexy in your 40s

What you can do to feel sexy in your 40s

To help you start on your sexy back journey here are some scientifically and not so scientific  methods that can help you.

Get fitted for a new bra

Having your breasts all nicely supported helps you stand taller, and your clothes sit better. Buy bras in lace and cool different colours to help with the sexiness factor.


To realease the endorphins and to remind you how amazing your body is .

Give someone a complement

What you give out you will receive back doubled. Making others feel good helps you feel good. Also practice receiving a complement don’t brush it of, just say THANK YOU !


When you smile it is impossible not to feel good – try it. Try smiling at yourself in the mirror for the ultimate feel-good factor.

feel sexy in your 40s

Stop the self-sabotage

Remember you have the power to change your thoughts so when those negative self-sabotaging thoughts or patterns creep in, catch them and change the thought.

Bring back the fun

Try to bring in some laughter and fun into your life, we can sometimes forget that we need fun in our life and take everything so seriously. This can work well if you feel self-conscious around your partner, break the ice with a joke, laughter can help you both relax.


As I said thinking back to a time when you felt sexy or creating an image of being sexy and attractive can really help bring about those feelings. Bring in all your senses to create the image in your sun-conscious mind.

Create you own sexy affirmations

I am a big believer in affirmations but sometimes we can think in negative affirmations such as “I am not attractive, no one loves me. Saying this will never get us anywhere so you need to change it to something positive and in the present tense approve of myself I  am willing to accept love I deserve love”


Looking to yourself for pleasure is the ultimate form of self-love and can boost your self-esteem. So, get to it embrace your own body for those sexy feelings of pleasure. If it been a while or you are new to pleasing yourself reading erotic novels and taking a visit to Ann Summers is certainly a way to start.

Not everyone feels sexy all the time, life and being a woman in your 40s in general can see to that but remember you are not on your own. If you are trying to get your sexy back and feel sexy in your 40s believe me there are many other women trying to do the same so go easy on yourself, Don’t forget to let the fun into your life and remember thoughts are just thoughts and a thought can be changed.  

Sarah Lyons is an image consultant, body confidence and wellbeing coach for women, she helps women all over the country look and feel-good inside and out. Find out more at and follow her on Instagram @sarahlyonscoaching & @wellstyled_by_sarah.

Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi and Matthias Cooper via Pexels

Difficult mother? Here’s how to heal your mother wound

It’s no secret that many of us have a difficult mother. The thing is – growing up with a difficult mother is not something you manage to just leave behind when you enter adulthood. It’s a burden you carry with you throughout your adult life. Whether you have a needy, co-dependent mother, a controlling mother, a narcissistic mother, a jealous mother, or an emotionally unavailable mother. The mother wound is a very real phenomenon which can spill over into every thread of our being, the way we live our lives, the decisions we make, and how we conduct our relationships.

So for everyone out there who has a difficult mother in their life, here Charlotte Pardy, The Meditative Counsellor – an award-winning psychotherapist who specialises in working with women who have difficult mothers – shares her tips for healing your mother wound.


Dear Daughter of a difficult mother,

Mother wounds can happen for a lot of reasons, mum may be depressed, bereaved, traumatised, addicted, have mental health issues, or a difficult relationship with her own mother that’s never been resolved.

It’s this difficult relationship caused by her emotional absence that is often at the heart of a mother wound, because the criticising, controlling and at times competitive behaviour takes its toll on you.

You’re just too sensitive.

I never said that.

I’m only trying to help.

This is for your own good.

I wouldn’t do it like that if I were you.

That’s nice, but everyone loves my…

Comments like these undermine your confidence and self-worth, they may drive you towards perfectionism and people pleasing, you may struggle at work and in relationships, you may even worry about passing it on.

I see it so often where women hide their mother wound and try to take it to the grave, they often feel ashamed of not getting on with mum, that there’s something wrong with them, but it’s just not true.

Culturally we tend to put mothers on a pedestal, they can do no wrong, and they always try to do their best, but it’s a fantasy.

Mothers are just as flawed as anyone else

The more we brush it under the carpet the more we allow our mother wounds to thrive, because it stops them, and us from seeking help.

Shame keeps us stuck in the pain and hurt, and it’s time we brought the problem into the light.

You see this hidden hurt can leave us dissatisfied with life, feeling like we can’t achieve our dreams, and by the time we hit our 40s, like it’s too late to change things.

Yet there are women I see in their 60s and 70s who are filled with regret that didn’t do something sooner, especially now they are feeling so much better.

The truth is it’s never too late, you just need the right help and support.

Many women wonder if they can do anything if mum has passed, they often feel left with their mother wound unresolved. I want you to know that healing is possible regardless of if you have contact with mum, are no contact, or even if she is no longer with us.

Acknowledging and dealing with the issues allows us to break the cycle that often goes back generations, meaning we don’t have to hold onto the pain or pass it on to our family.

It takes courage to face the fear, shame and hurt we have been through, it takes faith to know we can come out the other side feeling calmer, more confident, and happier in ourselves.

So, if you are ready to step up and not carry the burden what can you do?

Here are five simple proven strategies I use with clients in my practice.

  1. Recognise that you are feeling shame. You can tell the difference between guilt and shame by asking the question: Can I fix this? If it is guilt the answer is yes, if no, then you are feeling shame. Shame doesn’t belong to you, it has been given to you so give yourself permission to feel shameless.
  2. Understand that you can only fix you. It can be hard to know that we can’t help mum, that if she wants help, she needs to reach out for it. Know that by going through the process yourself that you are showing her it’s possible.
  3. Find your internal compass. If your value and self-worth are always dependant on mum or others you will always be at the mercy of their moods. Find other ways to value yourself such as measuring yourself against virtues or principles you aspire to.
  4. Stop pretending. It’s ok to not be ok is a phrase we hear often, but we also need to stop pretending things are fine when they are not. You’ve probably lived a lot of your life being what you think others want to see, now is the time to put down the mask and be real.
  5. Learn to love yourself. Just because mum struggled to show you the love and care you needed doesn’t make you unlovable. All it means is she couldn’t show you. Let yourself listen to and take onboard compliments, love, and affection not only from others but also from yourself. I promise you, you won’t get ‘too big for your boots’ but you will start to develop your self-esteem.

Healing your mother wound can feel daunting but know you are not alone, there are thousands of us out there.

The five strategies will help you to shake off the shame and start to invest in your self-worth.

Do you have a difficult mother in your life? Are you longong to heal your mother wound? Leave a comment below and share your experience and connect with our community on Instagram here.

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Relationship problems? How to get through rocky relationship season

It’s no wonder that January is a time when so many relationships hid the skids. I mean – let’s face it, there is nothing about January that is romantic and everything about it that is totally grim making it fertile ground for relationship problems.

When all around feels bleak and depressing, it can be pretty hard going keeping the flame alive when quite frankly, we’re all just dragging ourselves through the day until we can shut off from the world and hibernate in bed away from the dark coldness which seems to engulf us at this time of year.

Research from Richard Nelson solicitors found that searches for ‘I want a divorce’ rose by 230 per cent in the first week of January alone. But what if we are feeling all out of love, but not wanting to be so hasty?

Here at 40 Now What we’ve called in the experts to help us with some much needed relationship maintenance to help you keep the love alive and counter any relationship problems you might be experiencing right about now.

Why do relationship problems crop up in January?

According to Carolyn Hobdey, author of All The Twats I Met Along The Way and founder of the Redefining SELFISH community, ‘Relationships typically suffer in January from the ’New Year, New You’ pressure. It’s a time when many individuals look at their lives and decide that change needs to occur: “this year, things will be different”. We find it hard to blame ourselves for the issues in our lives, frequently seeking external factors – such as our partner – as the cause and what, therefore, needs to change.

Take time to really consider what it is about the relationship that you would like to be different and better, rather than it being the entirety of the relationship! Remember, you can only change YOU and your behaviour, so look at the things in your relationship that are currently irritating, annoying or upsetting you and think about how you could behave differently to prevent them occurring, or choose to respond differently when they do. This is the time to make peace with your partner’s imperfections.’

Relationship problems

Avoiding the blame game & the power of apologising

‘It’s critical to take care of our relationships after any difficult time’, highlight relationship coaches Matthew and Emma Pruen. ‘The first step is to move out of the blame game, where everything is our partner’s fault, and see our own part in things. It’s an inner awareness: ‘He might have ignored me all week but then I’ve been telling him off whenever he came home’.

The next step requires courage, although simple it’s a game changer: saying ‘sorry’ and ‘thank-you’. It’s that easy. For example:

  • “I’m sorry for being critical and blaming.”
  • “I’m sorry for disappearing into my cave.”
  • “I’m sorry for leaving on your own at that party.”
  • “I’m sorry for doing my emails instead of helping you.”

Follow this apology with a swift thank you to acknowledge them for something you authentically appreciate. (Don’t just be nice, you have to mean it. We can feel when it’s real and when it’s fake.) This could sound like:

  • “Thank you for working so hard to make Christmas special”
  • “Thank you for being such a great mother to our children”
  • “Thank you for being so kind to my Dad”
  • “Thank you for helping me do all that washing up without a word of complaint.”‘

Feeling seen and acknowledged

According to the Pruens – who run relationship retreats – feeling seen and acknowledged ‘creates an opening, a window of humility (which can pass quickly) for courageous conversation.’

‘This conversation can heal the resentments and hurts which destroy relationships. The key thing is to speak from ‘I’. The world ‘you’ is toxic.  This might sound like “I notice I’ve lost hope of being heard,” as opposed to “You never listen to me. You’d rather look at your phone than talk to me.” Or: “I notice that I’m keeping my feelings to myself because I’m frightened of how you might react,” as opposed to: “You just bite my head off whatever I say.”

When we speak from ‘I’ it removes all blame, and blame gets people’s backs up and closes down communication. This is also the time to express your needs and make requests. Requests as opposed to demands though, which kill intimacy. The word please, when spoken authentically, can be very helpful.

We define intimacy as sharing your authentic thoughts, feelings (emotions) and life-experience and witnessing the authentic thoughts, feelings and life-experience of the other without agenda. What would that look like? Imagine if you could say to your partner: “Last Wednesday I experienced you as telling me I am wrong, dismissing my feelings and then disappearing all day without answering my calls. I heard you say I was wrong to feel angry and that I never think about anyone other than myself. I felt resentful, anxious and lost. And how this brings out the worst in me is I become oversensitive and play the victim. I withhold my affection for days at a time and escape by fantasising about another life without you, comfort eating and nit-picking.” 

This sort of agenda-free sharing transforms relationships. This is taking responsibility for your own part in things which is all you have control over anyway. This is what a good relationship looks like.’

How to sustain a happy and healthy relationship

According to the experts, the first step to avoiding relationship problems is to be aware of them in the first place (move over denial then!). So if you’re already feeling the strain, all is not lost. However, it does mean it’s time to take action before things spiral further downwards.

Here, Sara Davison, The Divorce Coach and creator of Heart Break to Happiness Podcast shares some things you can do to help strengthen your relationship:

  • Don’t rush into a breakup. Give your relationship time to adjust after isolation. It will take some time to get back on track as you establish a new daily routine. When other distractions come back and you can live more independently you may feel your connection reigniting.
  • Commit to take some action. Good relationships don’t just happen, they take work and commitment. Decide to do everything you can to rescue your relationship so you know in your heart of hearts that you have done your best. The worst-case scenario is you leave with a lot more clarity and with less guilt having tried your best, but the upside is you could save your marriage.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff. Let go of the little things that have upset you and drop minor grudges that may have been stacking up irrationally due to ‘virus stress’. It’s easy to get tunnel vision about issues that really don’t matter.
  • Refocus your mind. Write a list of all the things you love about your relationship, including the things you are grateful for. It is easy to only focus on the negative points so this will help you maintain a balanced view.
  • Kindness is king. Kindness is often the first thing to disappear during rocky times in a relationship however it is key to a strong marriage foundation. Finding ways to be kind and loving can often melt tension and rekindle romance.
  • Actions speak louder than words. Being the change you want to see in your partner can be the most effective way to bring them around. You may find they reciprocate and make more effort with you without you actually having to ask them.
  • Be spontaneous. Surprises can be very romantic so take advantage of being able to eat out in your favourite place again or have drink in your local to rekindle your connection. It’s important to get your sparkle back so be creative!

Recent challenging times will have had an impact on both of you and maybe changed the way you think about life and the priorities that are most important. Take this time to get to know one another again and rediscover who you each are. These steps won’t always be the easy option and sometimes you may feel like throwing in the towel and walking away. Bear in mind nothing worth having ever comes easily and a good relationship needs nurturing. If things have gotten off track it will take some time and effort to restore it. But the good news is that it is possible and it could even make the relationship stronger and happier than ever.

Relationship problems

Actionable examples on what you can do to fortify your relationship

If your relationship feels like it’s limping along at the moment, Carolyn Hobdey suggests trying one of these small and easy ways to give it a little boost:

  • Make a point of telling your partner what is good about them. When they do something you appreciate – especially the small things – make sure you tell them. Catch them doing something right rather than complaining about what they do wrong.
  • Take yourself back to the start of your relationship and make a list of all the things you were drawn to about them in the first place (get them to do the same if you can) and then try seeing them now through those same eyes.
  • Time is the great need in any kind of relationship – it’s not about lots of time, but quality time. Seek to carve out specific time together and take it in turns to plan what you do. Remember, it’s not about grand gestures but thoughtful ones.
  • Try learning something new together – something neither of you have done before so that you can support and encourage each other. Make it fun and aim towards a goal such as learning a language for an upcoming holiday, how to do something practical so you can make-over your home or garden, learning to dance for a family party. It doesn’t matter what it is, but doing something that evolves you as a couple.
  • Know that time apart can be as good as time together. Support, encourage and take an interest in each other’s individuality. Make a point of listening to each other with the aim of finding out something new about your partner every week.

Have you been struggling with relationship problems this month? Remember although things can feel bleak now, Spring is on its way and life will begin to feel better again soon and that in itself will help things to feel more positive again. Follow us on Instagram here where we will be keeping the conversation going.

Family photo created by wayhomestudio, prostooleh, marymarkevich –

Sex in your 40s? Here’s what you need to know

One thing I have loved about being in my 40s, is the confidence it brings with it. And we all know that confidence = sexy. But when it comes to sex in your 40s, is it true it actually gets better? Say you’ve already been with the same sexual partner for a while….how do keep things fresh after so long? Then there’s the fact that our hormones start having a mind of their own leading to both mental and physical changes which can have a knock on effect on our sex drive and relationship.

There are so many factors at play here, which is why here at 40 Now What, we’ve decided to put together this deep dive on sex in your 40s. Here, we’ll address common issues and challenges that come along with intimacy in your 4th decade.

Defining sex

I wanted to start out with this wonderful summary by Anna Sale, author of Let’s Talk About Hard Things: Death, Sex, Money and Other Difficult Conversations.

‘Sex is one the most potent ways we communicate with one another. It’s a wordless conversation, but managing its power takes words. Whether it’s a one-time fling or a sixty-year marriage, sex requires us to articulate our own needs while attending to someone’s elses.’

You think after 40 years, we would have gotten better at this, but for many even in our 40s, talking about sex, what we do or do not want or issues surrounding sex can still be cringey. Which brings me on nicely to my next point….

Sex in your 40s: The big issues at play

‘During their forties women can experience the symptoms of perimenopause, which comes before the menopause and is a time of transition for women, it occurs when the ovaries gradually start to produce less oestrogen and is when they are running out of eggs and as a result they only release them on and off’, says Cosmetic doctor and menopause expert Dr Shirin Lakhani of Elite Aesthetic.

‘While the symptoms can be less severe than the menopause, they can still see you suffer from things such as irregular periods, hot flushes and mood changes. It’s important not to underestimate the impact that the perimenopause symptoms can have on intimacy.  People can experience uncomfortable sex (and decreased libido as a result) due to the lack of lubrication from the vagina because of decreasing oestrogen (and testosterone) levels.’ 

‘Physically these may impact your sexual health and your physical ability to enjoy sex, combined with the mood swings which may inhibit your desire too. It’s important to try and be aware of these changes that will occur so that you can address them accordingly rather than suffering in silence. Nowadays there are plenty of options for addressing all of the symptoms of peri-menopause so that your ability to enjoy sex is not inhibited. Women in their 40s may also be experiencing the effects of child birth ie vaginal laxity and stress incontinence, which can also impact their sex lives.

Dr Ruth Maher, co-inventor of pelvic floor experts INNOVO adds to this that, ‘65% of women with SUI leak urine during sex. Leaking during sex dramatically impacts their sexual quality of life, affects their relationships with their partners, and can cause social withdrawal and depression. Many of these women suffer in silence and never report this to anyone.’ 

Sex in your 40s

The solutions

So what can women who are experiencing the above do to help reduce any discomfort and increase pleasure levels during sex in their 40s?

‘There are a number of effective treatments available to treat the symptoms. PRP Therapy with treatments like O-Shot have shown to have a positive result in treating atrophy as well as incontinence while hyaluronic acid injections and localised oestrogen can also effectively offer relief from symptoms. Meanhile, women experiencing vaginal dryness because of the menopause can experiment with lubricant that can be bought in most chemists and supermarkets. Some women find lubricants messy and troublesome so there are other options. Hormone replacement (localised and systemic), vaginal growth factors or hyaluronic acid injections can give longer term relief’, advises Lakhani.

‘There are also various supplements that can be taken to help with symptoms such as DHEA, Indole-3-Carbinol (I3C) from cruciferous vegetables, DIM (diiondolymethane), above all else it is important to eat a balanced diet and not too low fat as we need cholesterol to produce sex hormones. Addressing intimate medical issues affecting many women over 40 will ensure that many experience their best sex ever.’

Meanwhile ladies, don’t forget it’s important to keep doing your pelvic floor exercises! ‘As our bodies age and change our pelvic floor – the key set of deep muscles situated in the pelvis – can become weakened, which can lead to an inability to control urination. Unfortunately, we can’t control when these leaks happen…sexual stimulation can put pressure on your bladder or urethra and when combined with a weakened pelvic floor muscles can lead to dribbles’, says Maher.

‘Our top tip to avoid this: pelvic floor exercises! It’s possible that strong pelvic floor muscles could not only prevent leaks, but it can also increase sensitivity during sex, giving you stronger orgasms. So get squeezing and if you need some motivation, check out our ‘Music For Your Vagina’ playlist, perfectly crafted for you to get the most out of your pelvic floor exercises.’

The importance of intimacy

As we’ve probably all learnt by now, intimacy is all important in our sex lives. While it’s true that sex can create an intimacy feedback loop, sex isn’t the only way to have intimacy with your partner. So how do we up our intimacy stakes in our 40s?

Ana Mikaela Silva- Founder & CEO of Pleasy Play advises, ‘You can be more intimate by increasing desire and moving to a deeper level of understanding of each other. It’s about moments of connection and affection in a less-physical way: making eye contact, listening to your partner, small touches on the hand, kissing, hugging.’

‘Communication plays a big role in developing intimacy. It´s how couples are able to connect and to speak about their deepest desires and also about their boundaries. However, it can be hard to communicate to your partner your needs and wants, which is how the Pleasy Play app can help. If you don´t want to try a challenge or if you do, you simple reject / accept a challenge and your partner will be notified. It´s a simple way to communicate that can accomplish so much in the relationship.’

Sex in your 40s

Sex in your 40s: Mixing things up

How can you keep things exciting when you’ve been with the same sexual partner for some time, and feeling generally knackered and harrassed by life? How do we break out of our existing sex routine (yup, we all have our trademark one don’t we?). To break out of the monotony, Silva says, ‘A great way to do this is to introduce sex toys as not only do they help to improve both of your pleasure, but also your confidence. Incorporating toys, like vibrators or couples toys, can increase sexual stimulation and pleasure in a way the human body sometimes just can’t. For example, Pleasy Play is a subscription service consisting of a personalised and specially curated box of intimate products and an interactive game with fun and sexy challenges through a mobile app.’

‘The great thing about introducing toys or intimate products like massage oils and lubes is that they can be used in diverse ways. which helps couples work on intimacy and communication, all the while having a lot of fun.’

Sex in your 40s

With us living longer, healthier lives, it’s common for women and men to have several sexual partners, and through divorce or death of a partner, people are embarking on new sexual relationships later on in life. People are no longer accepting that their sexual lives should end beyond a certain age. It is therefore far more important to minimise the negative effects of ageing, allowing people to continue to enjoy all aspects of their lives no matter what their age.

While in some ways your 40s are not exactly kind to your sex life, in many ways sex in your 40s CAN be better. So what’s the final word? We say now’s the time to revel in foreplay, use lube, get curious, address any health issues and keep exploring and investing in your sex life.

What has been your experience of sex in your 40s? Do share in a comment below.

People photo created by yanalya, Technology photo created by jcomp, People photo created by pressfoto –, Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Top tips for dating in your 40s

Have you recently come out of a long term relationship? If you are over forty then you might be nervous and apprehensive about returning to the dating world. Here are some tips that can make things far easier for you while you’re dating in your 40s.

To Filter Or Not To Filter

dating in your 40s

The most common way to date these days is through dating apps. This idea brings an important question. What type of photos should you add to your profile? Some people swear by filters and touch ups while others see them as dishonest. Well, this is always going to be a personal preference. The truth is there’s nothing wrong with filters as long as they don’t completely alter the way you look. If you do this then you might get the first date but there may not be a second. It’s better to be honest about who you are. This is important when listing your age too. Tempting though it may be, you shouldn’t list a younger age. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of people out there looking for older men or women. 

Find The Right App 

Next, you should make sure that you are finding the right app that is going to provide the best benefits that you need. You might think that there are only a couple of apps, but this isn’t true. There are various apps worth exploring and even more websites. If you want to ensure that you get the best experience it’s great to explore as many as possible. Apps that you should stay away from are ones where you need to pay per message. These will almost always be a scam. Make sure that you check reviews for any site or app that you are thinking about exploring. 

Be Smart

dating in your 40s

You do need to be smart when you are planning your dates. For instance, you should make sure that you are meeting people in a place that you know and feel comfortable. It’s also advised that you do ensure that you video call first. That way you can guarantee that you do know who you are meeting and avoid the catfish. 

Remember, there’s no harm in going on as many dates as you like to find the right match. But you should get tested using a professional medical centre every time you  have a new partner. 

Don’t Fear Rejection

Finally, it’s important to understand that you will experience rejection in the new world of dating in your 40s. It’s a given and if you are a woman that’s because men swipe right 80% of the time. However, this doesn’t mean that they will always be interested in having a conversation or moving towards a date. Don’t be disheartened, move on to the next match. It’s always going to be their loss, not yours. 

We hope this helps you understand some of the key steps that you should take if you are returning to the dating world at 40. The good news is that there’s plenty of people doing this these days that are back on the playing field at a later stage in life.

Are you dating in your 40s at the moment? How’s it going? Comment below, we’d love to hear from you.

How to feel body confident in the bedroom in your 40s

Remember wayyyy back when you would have happily swung from a chandelier naked in the bedroom? Fast forward on twenty years, and although women may feel more sexually confident in the bedroom in their 40s, most of us probably wish we had the body of our younger selves to go along with that. That said, feeling comfortable in your body and being body confident is in itself incredibly sexy, so how do accept the changes in our body and get down with our bad selves? Here, Sarah Lyons – image consultant, body confidence and wellbeing coach for women – spills the beans on how to look and feel like a body confident minx in your fourth decade:


As we age our bodies change and that is totally natural, however this can sometimes lead us to feel that we are unattractive sexually. Aging, pregnancy, weight loss, weight gain and our past relationships all have an impact on how we feel about our bodies. 

When we look at our changing bodies, we can feel disappointment or even disgust at the wrinkles, saggy breasts, stretch marks or wobbly tummies and to be honest it’s normal to have these feelings. But they must be recognized for what they are: grief, a loss and aging. Once we recognize this it can made it much easier to feel confident and comfortable in ourselves.

Being confident in ourselves is an inside job

Acceptance of the body we have now, is a great place to start building your body confidence. If we keep comparing ourselves to the past, we will never be happy let alone body confident in the bedroom.

Remember that “loving your body isn’t thinking your body looks good it’s knowing your body is good regardless of how it looks” – Dr Lindsay Kite

Once we start to feel good and start to value ourselves, confidence in all areas including the bedroom will flourish. I wish I had a magic wand that could give every woman a magic bullet to feel body confident in the bedroom but unfortunately, it’s all about the work you do on yourself. Below are some helpful tips you can start doing to help you feel more body confident in the bedroom.

Start with self-compassion

When building body confidence, show yourself the same love and kindness you would your best friend. This can start by looking at yourself in the mirror with a loving eye, not a critical one. Look at the positives and get to know your own body. Get to know your own body. I am always astonished at the number of women that don’t look at themselves in the mirror. It’s your body, get to know it!

Our words are so powerful

What we say to and about our bodies can have a massive impact on our body image. Try saying nice things to yourself. If we are constantly saying negative things to ourselves, we will never start to feel good.  

Remember you are not the only one that is feeling insecure

If you’re with a partner for a long time they could be feeling the same way! They may be thinking that you might not find them attractive so check in with each other. Communication is key. It may be an awkward conversion to start but you will be glad you talked.

Be grateful for your body

It’s the reason you’re here. It is your physical home during his lifetime. You are reading this because of your body, your breathing because of your body. Saying thank you can lead to untold body confidence and help you feel more body confident in the bedroom.

Don’t compare yourself to women you see in the media

Just because your body looks different, which every BODY does, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve pleasure. 

Find out what you like now

Our desires and how we like to be touched can change over time so don’t be afraid to explore new things or say no to things that you liked in the past. 

Try some mindfulness

We are often trapped inside our heads and wondering how we look to others. Why not bring some mindfulness into the bedroom? Being in the moment can help you get out of your head, enjoy the experience and feel more body confident in the bedroom.

Buy the beautiful underwear for you

You deserve it! Buy something that makes you feel sexy and powerful. If you are very shy about your partner seeing you in lingerie, then practice by yourself. The more you do something the more confident you become. 

Take the compliment

When others, especially your partner, says you look beautiful, take it at face value, a compliment. Learning to take a compliment is a great  confidence booster . Just say thank you don’t overthink it. 

Remember the moment you start to believe in yourself that’s when the magic happens.

About Sarah Lyons.

Sarah Lyons is an image consultant, body confidence and wellbeing coach for women, she helps women all over the country look and feel-good inside and out. Find out more at and follow her on Instagram @sarahlyonscoaching & @wellstyled_by_sarah.

Photos by  medium photoclub,  Castorly Stock and Anna Tarazevich from Pexels