I don’t know what it is about our vaginas, but somehow, as far as our body parts go, our lady gardens have managed to amass an obscenely weird number of weird names and terms for them….and I’m not just talking about pussy (blurgh, that literally makes me want to upchuck!) or foo foo (I once saw a man who had his desktop plastered with the words “lick my foo foo” which I tried very hard to ignore when sitting behind him on a train!). When it comes to the worst names for a vagina, well there are so many of them that you may very well fill a whole lady garden with them!
Oh and remember when the Swedish got their claim to fame by coining the very lovely word “Snippa“? This was thanks to a cartoon of dancing children’s genitalia on Swedish TV (only in Sweden!) that went viral. Well apparently some people find these word “adorable” but quite frankly it sounds too much like someone has literally snipped a hole down there between our legs – which ain’t too far from the truth I guess but doesn’t mean we have to think it’s cute!
That said, I do rather like their word for a willy – “snopp” (not to be confused with Snoopy, but well when it’s off duty it can be a bit snoopy-ish, let’s face it!).
Anyway, it got me thinking…as far as I’m concerned, the vagina has had to suffer some of the most ridiculous and downright horrid names in its poor existence as part of humankind. And so here for your amusement, are my top 10 worst names for a vagina…surely they should be more sacred than this?
The 15 worst names for a vagina
1. Cat Flaps
If you think entering into a vagina is like going through a cat flap, well then…probably best stay out in the first place!
2. Beef Curtains
Meaty upholstery? I don’t think so. They’re not yours to open anyway.
3. Axe Wound
Last time I checked that was not how the vagina was created. This ain’t no horror movie!
4. Vag (or Va jay jay)
Imagine Del Boy from Only Fools and Horses saying this and then you’ll understand why I hate this term so much.
5. Bearded Oyster
Enough to put anyone off the sea’s favourite aphrodisiac for life. Doing it with a hairy mollusc? Ewwww….
The minge is cringe. Enough said.
The urban dictionary sums this one up perfectly – “I just blasted a load in your mom’s gash”. Shudder
8. Panty Hamster
Last time I looked, I didn’t have a pet rodent residing in my knickers, thank you very much. Don’t know about you.
9. Hairy Goblet
Harry Potter meets pubic hair. Not in the slightest bit sexual or flattering.
Down on your knees! As if a vagina has anything to do with a game of bingo. Well you can knock on the door but you will probably find more than just two fat ladies….
11. Penis fly trap
Beautiful, totally self sufficient and willing to devour anything that enters. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you!
Have you even looked at a picture of a real life animal beaver of late? Absolutely no resemblance WHATSOEVER!
Sounds like a really dodgy ABBA song or some hideous cocktail you would get in the world’s worse all-inclusive resort.
14. Whispering eye
Whoever came up with this word has obviously never experienced a fanny fart (incidentally, did you know the correct term for a fanny fart is a queef?). Plus is it me or do the words whispering eye together sound totally creepy?!
15. Front Bottom
Unless you are two years old. Wrong, just wrong.
Why couldn’t we just stick with the far less offensive fanny, minky, muff …or even the ridiculously romantic honeysuckle? Why do our private parts our which many consider sacred, valuable and quite frankly, a secret weapon, get all the SHIT words attributed to it? I think it’s time for a rethink here.
Which of these on our list of the worst names for a vagina above do you think are the most ridiculous. Are there any you hate which I haven’t listed above? Comment below with your thoughts and follow us here on Instagram to keep the conversation going.