15 Terrible (and Hilarious) Names for a Vagina – 2025 Update
Somehow, of all our body parts, our poor vaginas have copped the strangest set of nicknames in history. From foo foo to bearded oyster, it’s as if the world had a collective giggle and forgot that this particular bit of kit deserves a little reverence.
And yet — humour is part of how we reclaim it. If we can laugh, we can talk; if we can talk, we can own it.
So, in the spirit of laughing while rolling our eyes, here’s a refreshed list of the 15 worst (and most ridiculous) names for a vagina, updated for 2025 because apparently the internet just keeps inventing new ones.
1. Cat Flap
If you think entering one is like pushing through a cat flap, kindly stay on the doorstep.
2. Beef Curtains
We’re not talking about Sunday lunch. No thank you, Gordon Ramsay.
3. Axe Wound
More horror film than hot date. Next!
4. Vag (or Va-jay-jay)
Imagine Del Boy saying it. Enough said.
5. Bearded Oyster
Once you hear it, seafood will never be the same again.
6. Minge
The minge is cringe. End of.
7. Gash
Straight out of a 2003 lads’ mag. Leave it there.
8. Panty Hamster
No pets were harmed in the making of this metaphor.
9. Hairy Goblet
Because nothing says passion like a chalice from Hogwarts.
10. Bajingo
Bingo-adjacent. “Two fat ladies?” No thanks.
11. Penis Fly Trap
Elegant. Deadly. Slightly flattering… still a no.
12. Beaver
Please Google an actual beaver. Compare. Discuss.
13. Fandango
Sounds like a 70s disco track and probably should stay one.
14. Whispering Eye
Creepy. Also scientifically inaccurate (and occasionally windy).
15. Front Bottom
Unless you’re two years old — absolutely not.
Time for a Rebrand
For something sacred, powerful, and capable of literally creating life, the vagina has been badly short-changed in the naming department. Maybe it’s time for a rebrand — one that mixes honesty, humour and respect.
After all, midlife is when many of us are finally done apologising for our bodies. Whether you’re navigating perimenopause, libido dips, or just learning to call things by their actual names — talking about it matters.
And if you fancy a companion piece to this conversation, check out Men on Menopause: Her Change, Your Story — written for the partners who are also figuring out what’s changing (and why).
Your Turn
Which of these made you laugh, wince, or shout “absolutely not”?
Drop your favourites — or least favourites — in the comments.
Let’s keep normalising the awkward one giggle at a time.
Photo created by wayhomestudio – www.freepik.com
Gross and funny names for the vulva/vagina.
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